Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you
have few friends.
have few friends.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You're definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
-- Dylan Thomas
-- Dylan Thomas
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate.
It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-- Mark Twain
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-- Mark Twain
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One and a half.
A: One and a half.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: What's a light-year?
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
-- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
-- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
Friday, March 11, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we
are not the person involved.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
are not the person involved.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
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