Monday, December 5, 2011
Perhaps the last post.
Well, I have left IISER and Oak and Mars is no longer being maintained. Planet IISERK has been moved to Venus. Probably no more updates will be posted here (unless some other jobless IISERian soul like me, feels interested in reviving the hostel servers).
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
-- Dylan Thomas
-- Dylan Thomas
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
in reading it at all.
-- Oscar Wilde
in reading it at all.
-- Oscar Wilde
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the
department of transportation.
department of transportation.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
are removable!
Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
Q: What is a compact city?
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
policemen!
-- Peter Lax
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt
is concerned.
is concerned.
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
are removable!
Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
Q: What is a compact city?
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
policemen!
-- Peter Lax
Monday, May 9, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Every why hath a wherefore.
-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
-- Dave Barry
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
The Least Successful Collector
Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
works of Shakespeare.
One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
works of Shakespeare.
One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
Monday, May 2, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
the most important.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
the most important.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
O, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive.
-- Sir Walter Scott, "Marmion"
-- Sir Walter Scott, "Marmion"
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what
you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
-- Mark Twain
you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
-- Mark Twain
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
visiting, they always take three.
A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
visiting, they always take three.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
Oh, and have a nice day!
-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
Friday, April 15, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.
salesman.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to powerfail recovery.]
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
day like any other day, only shorter.
-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
day like any other day, only shorter.
-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
-- Corwin, Prince of Amber
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
-- Corwin, Prince of Amber
Monday, April 4, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break
the bulb in the first place.
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break
the bulb in the first place.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
There's small choice in rotten apples.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you
have few friends.
have few friends.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You're definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
-- Dylan Thomas
-- Dylan Thomas
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate.
It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-- Mark Twain
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-- Mark Twain
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One and a half.
A: One and a half.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: What's a light-year?
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
-- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
-- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
Friday, March 11, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we
are not the person involved.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
are not the person involved.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
it can still be changed today.
it can still be changed today.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue-elephant gun.
A: With a blue-elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
a blue-elephant gun.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
are removable!
Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
Q: What is a compact city?
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
policemen!
-- Peter Lax
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
A: Chicken Teriyaki.
Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
A: Chicken Teriyaki.
Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
have a lucky day this year.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
A: You can't get down off an elephant.
A: You can't get down off an elephant.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
-- John Milton
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
-- John Milton
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
Friday, January 28, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
and putting wings on an elephant is?
A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
and putting wings on an elephant is?
A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A: Zorn's Lemon.
A: Zorn's Lemon.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
Monday, January 24, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
-- Mark Twain
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
-- Mark Twain
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Never laugh at live dragons.
-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]
-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
get used to it.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
-- Mark Twain
procession but carrying a banner.
-- Mark Twain
Friday, January 7, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Daily Fortune Cookie from Mars
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
it can still be changed today.
it can still be changed today.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
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